This Page Last Updated 4/11/97
#10 - The
guy who claims to know everything and seems to know nothing.
#9 - The guy who knows a little and has an opinion on everything.
#8 - The guy who seems to know everything but won't talk to
anybody about it.
#7 - The guy who does know everything, but talks crap just
to piss you off.
#6 - The guy who knows nothing with a ten year old in tow who
knows everything.
#5 - The contest Nazi.
#4 - The guys selling timeshares at the flying field (what the
heck is THAT all about anyway?)
#3 - The guy who put the fence gate together.
#2 - The guy who likes to break in his engines in the pit area.
#1 - The park people who keep stealing my newsletter.
#10 - People who tow
trailers with small planes in them, hauled by empty vans. Go
figure.
#9 - A guy who brings his Ugly Stick to the field in a Ferrari.
#8 - Me walking around for an hour trying to figure out where the
HELL I'd misplaced my new Ni-Starter.
#7 - Me filling the HUGE tank on my Ultra Sport 1000 with a hand
pump because I haven't gotten around to buying a new electric
pump in three months. (Can you say Carpal Tunnel Syndrome?)
#6 - You ever notice that out of the three paddle fans on the
ceiling of the shelter, there's never more than one of them
working at any one time?
#5 - The padlock on the recyclables container - what, do we have
to lock up the trash now?
#4 - The sign saying we're not supposed to buzz the guys
installing the giant water main. (Can you say reverse
psychology?)
#3 - The new fence gate. (Can you say aggravating?)
#2 - Absolutely true! Ten of us spending three hours trying to
figure out how to switch a Futaba 7UAP transmitter out of Mode
II. It's not in the manual, but it can be done!
#1 - Also absolutely true! A guy had scratched out the 1996 year
on his old AMA card and typed in 1997! You know who you are
cheap-skate! Listen dummy, let me explain the problem to ya in
simple terms that anyone can understand: A) You lose control of
plane, B) Plane crashes through car window, C) You don't have
insurance, D) Car owner sues the park, E) Park closes the
airfield because we're irresponsible - GET IT?
#10 - The AMA gets it's act
together (yeah, right)...
#9 - Every person who's ever been on the Geraldo Rivera show dies
in an airline disaster and the cargo hold contained every Ugly
Stick in existence, plus all the plans to make any more new
ones...
#8 - Someone builds a Ni-Starter that lasts five years....
#7 - Someone builds a fuel pump that lasts five years....
#6 - Glow Fuel comes down to a dollar a bottle...
#5 - Someone manufactures a pilot bust of Jenny McCarthy (would
that be a pilot bust or a pair of pilot busts?)
#4 - Someone tears down Geraldo Rivera's face on prime time
television to see what's hiding behind it...
#3 - I get an offer to write a monthly magazine column in an R/C
magazine (OOPS, that one actually came true!)
#2 - We get a president who flies model airplanes on his days off
(we came close - one of George Bush's sons flies R/C)...
#1 - The heli pilots at my flying field start impounding their
radios for a change...
#10 - Batteries only last as long
as the warranty on the radio.
#9 - If it's gotta go in, make it one worth talking about.
#8 - If it does turn out to be a crash that legends are written
about, don't exaggerate on it's retelling - others will do that
for you.
#7 - Bask in your moment of glory while you can - some other damn
fool will out-do your crash tomorrow.
#6 - There is no such thing as "fool proof".
#5 - Unbreakable props do, untearable fabric does and
seamlesstanks aren't...
#4 - Any landing that the engine walks away from is a good one.
#3 - Canopies do not make good landing gear.
#2 - Trainer cords should not be used to lynch pilots who turn
their radios on when someone else has the frequency.... that's
what they make rope for.
#1 - Never let them see you cry.... especially if there's women
around.
#10 - Coffee Table
#9 - Paper Weight
#8 - Doorstop
#7 - Weed-wacker
#6 - Personal Defense Device
#5 - Fireplace Fuel
#4 - Chew-toy for Large Dog
#3 - Step Stool
#2 - Hammer
#1 - Wheel-chock for 1/2-scale Piper Cub
#10 - Hairdresser
#9 - Catholic Priest
#8 - Metal shop teacher
#7 - Nanny
#6 - Car salesman
#5 - Physical therapist
#4 - Bounty hunter (no Charlie, you're supposed to bring them
back alive and in one piece...)
#3 - Physical education teacher
#2 - CEO of Microsoft
#1 - Loan Officer
#10 -"Well Hon, it's the Summer Solstice and the longest day
of the year..."
#9 -"Awe Honey, there'll be other Silver Wedding
Anniversaries..."
#8 - "Look, I'll come back from the field early and we'll do
McDonalds, okay?"
#7 - "Now you know this is my usual flying day..."
#6 - "I'll make it up to you next year, honest. Just remind
me a week before..."
#5 - "But heck Honey, it's Top Gun!"
#4 - "It's not that I don't love you, dear, it's just that I
haven't got this damn engine set up right yet..."
#3 - "Of course you guys are the center of my life. You, the
kids, and the Extra 230..."
#2 - "Well, you know, I never said anything before, but that
one's really your plane, and I want to make sure it flies
okay.... yeah, yeah, that's the ticket..."
#1 - "Well, you can come with me! I need someone to hold the
plane..."
#10 - Peace on Earth and Quiet Pipes on all Ducted Fans.
#9 - A fuel pump that doesn't need replacing every six months.
#8 - A Virtual Reality headset with a camera in the plane.
#7 - Multi-cylinder engines that cost a hundered bucks.
#6 - JPX gives me a free jet engine to review for the Penguin.
#5 - Brakes on all my planes.
#4 - The R/C Faerie installs scale landing lights on all my
planes while I sleep.
#3 - A 1/4 Scale B-17 with original nude nose art.
#2 - The Girl who posed for the B-17 nose art.
#1 - All the girls from Baywatch come by the airfield and think
my models and I are ever so cute.
Twelve Tornados Thrusting...
Eleven Pipers Purring...
Ten Cubs a crumbling...
Nine Lasers Looping...
Eight Gyros whizzing...
Seven Sachs a spinning...
Six Plugs a Glowing...
Five Engine Rings!
Four Spinning Sticks...
Three French Mirages...
Two Turtle Decks...
And a Glider stuck in a tree.
- "I bought some 60% nitro, lets see what this does in my
.40 FP...."
- "Hey, hear that? That's a funny noise. I'll check it out
when I land, but I've still got another eight minutes of
fuel...."
- "Let's see how this Duraplane flies..."
- "Dihedral brace? Naw, I just taped the wings together with
some duct tape. It's good enough for the astronauts..."
- "Why would I bother carrying a fire extinguisher to the
field? Alcohol fires are invisible anyway..."
- "No, I just glued the receiver case back together after
the crash and it seems to work okay..."
- "Yeah I know it's a little cracked, but I don't throw away
a prop until it breaks - I save money that way..."
- "Naw, the radio impound is only for old folks with bad
memories - umm, say, have you seen my Ni-Starter? I thought I put
it in my pocket...."
... the complexity of a pilot's radio is directly proportional to
his ego times the size of his wallet.
... park admission is free, but sodas are five bucks apeice.
... the longer a swap meet goes on, the more desperate you get to
buy anything.
... the exact time of sunset is usually ten minutes after you
setup when you come to the field after work.
... plane stands don't, easy fuelers won't, EZ connectors aren't.
#10 - "Sure, I use double sided tape on all my giant scale
servos..."
#9 - "Well, it was only ten dollars at the swap meet....
say, can you tell which end is the front?"
#8 - While a ducted fan is being started in the pits: "Low
Pass", "You call me an ass?". "No, I
said low pass!", "Hey, you're an ass!", "Look,
buddy, I just want the strip!", "Who's gonna
trip?", "OH, THE HELL WITH IT! COMING IN!",
"I can come in? Thanks, coming in...."
#7 - "Damn, this thing has really come out tail heavy! I
need ten pounds of nose weight. Here, kitty, kitty...."
#6 - "Hey I just bought one of those seven cylinder
Techno-Power engines. Which of my Ugly Sticks should I put it
in?"
#5 - "Sure, it's a logical progression. You've heard of the
flying stop sign? Well, we just remodeled the house, and I had
this bathroom door that was gonna get thrown out anyway..."
#4 - "Hey, don't carry it by the wing tips, that's a lot of
stress on that spar!"
#3 - "You know, if I knew then what I know now, I think I
would've taken up stamp collecting."
#2 - "Well it started out as a Chipmunk kit, but I built it
as a Glass-Aire, then after I crashed it the first time I
reworked it into a P-51, and after the midair I rebuilt it as a
T-6..."
#1 - "Yeah, I find entering scale contests very
relaxing..."
#10 - Teach stubborn dogs how to sit...
#9 - Annoy trick or treaters by gluing the candy to the bowl:
"Sure, take all you can grab!"
#8 - Glue those helicopter radios to the impound so they stay
there!
#7 - Temporarily reattach those severed fingers and get back to
the serious business of flying.
#6 - Do-it-yourself cornea transplants.
#5 - Glue your head to an I-beam...uh, sorry, that one's been
done already.
#4 - Glue your fingers together, maybe you'll keep 'em out of the
prop that way.
#3 - Glue your fingers into the Vulcan greeting sign for that
Trekkie convention coming up.
#2 - The Hair Club for Men.
#1 - "Hey, maybe I can glue this wood prop back
together!"
#10 - Pilots who buzz the pits.
# 9 - Planes with no mufflers
# 8 - A guy who wants to fly my plane after he just totaled his
and wants me to help him "shrug off the shakes"
# 7 - Guys who fly with radios made in the stone age
# 6 - Guys who taxi their planes to the car
# 5 - Guys who land their planes on my car
# 4 - Guys who drive over my plane with their car
# 3 - People who ask me to do a loop around the overpass
# 2 - Guys who own more than one Ugly Stick
# 1 - Heli pilots who walk back to the frequency board to take
their pins down, but don't impound their radios
#10 - "Guess I forgot to put the rubber-bands on..."
#9 - "I guess I forgot to take the rubber-bands off..."
#8 - "Look! It slices, it dices it makes julienne fries..
OUCH!"
#7 - "I can't tell which Ugly-Stick I'm flying!"
#6 - "Shoo, shoo birdie!"
#5 - "Coulda sworn that runway was a little higher..."
#4 - " "I'm landing?" I thought you said Gary
Shandling..."
#3 - "Hey, you know, glow fuel don't taste all that
bad..."
#2 - "Honey, don't play with your Barbie on the
runway..."
#1 - It's against park rules to post want ads on the Markham Park
flying field bulletin board, but you can post flyers for a gun
show at the park shooting range.
#10 - ...that two modelers can never agree on which way a pusher
prop should face?
#9 - ...that beginner pilots that drive BMW's and Mercedes'
usually put four-strokes and computer radios in their trainers?
#8 - ...that the guy at the field who always claims to be right
is usually wrong?
#7 - ...when piloting, two wrongs can make a right?
#6 - ...the guys who have the most fun own the least plane?
#5 - ...that R/C planes fly like full-scale planes on speed and
R/C helis fly like UFOs?
#4 - ...that the guy who wants to fly your plane usually just
crashed his?
#3 - ...that the more body-english you put into your flying, the
better the chance of stepping on a fire-ant colony?
#2 - ...that when a good looking woman shows up at the flying
field, everybody goes up and flies like crap?
#1 - ...that the rapidity with which glue dries is inversely
proportional to the amount of time you can hold the damn part
steady?
#10 - Glow plugs that last a year.
#9 - Engines that start on the first flip every time.
#8 - A gas engine that weighs less than a lawnmower.
#7 - Clear glow fuel.
#6 - Five knots blowing right down the runway and no rain in
sight.
#5 - Straight work benches
#4 - Enough money for that next big project.
#3 - The flying field all to yourself on a Sunday afternoon.
#2 - A 1/3 scale Twin Beechcraft.
#1 - A Playboy centerfold model showing up at the flying field
with a 1/3 scale Twin Beechcraft who needs someone to take it up
for her.
# 10 - Took off without wing bolts once. Funny? Hell yes!
# 9 - Checked for tank leaks and I sucked instead of blew...yuk!
There should be some sort of rite of passage associated with your
first taste of glow fuel.
# 8 - Plugged the fast charger into the aileron extension instead
of the charge cable - ever see servos smoke? I'm only amazed the
receiver didn't toast.
# 7 - Let my friend's kid play with the radios once - "gee I
wonder what these switches are for on the back?"
# 6 - "Coming in!".... "What?"..... "Landing!".....
"Huh?".... "Gonna land now!"....
"Can I hand you what?".... "I NEED THE RUNWAY!
GOD DAMMIT!".... "Oh, well, hold on, I've gotta
land first".... "What?".... "I SAID
I'VE GOTTA LAND FIRST!".... "I can land first? Good,
thanks...."
# 5 - Took me a couple of years, after I moved to Miami, to
figure out what a fire ant mound was. See, up in New York, ants
exist for one purpose only: to be stepped on. Nobody had told me
your ants had evolved beyond this simple behavior.
# 4 - Also took me a few years to find out your roaches down here
can fly! First time I swatted one and it went for my face, I
needed psycho-analaysis. "But doc, roaches don't
fly!"
# 3 - Ever be standing there, having a good old time flying your
plane, and suddenly take a big deep breath of flying gnats? Yum,
yum! Was out flying one day and had a cloud of 'em follow me
around. Every time I'd move to a different flight station, little
boogers would follow along. The human brain, master of the
cosmos, creator of civilization, then got the bright idea that
the little critters might be attracted to the electromagnetic
energy from the transmitter. So I turned off the
transmitter...... Took this boob about ten seconds to realize
exactly what I'd done.
# 2 - Found out the other day why they call 'em scimitar props.
Bonzai!
# 1 - Had a leak in my smoke fuel container. Ever smelled a
gallon of diesel and kerosene? Ever smelled a gallon of diesel
and kerosene soaked into your car trunk? Ever tried to clean up a
gallon of diesel and kerosene? I seriously considered calling the
Environmental Protection Agency. Drove around for two weeks with
the windows rolled down in the middle of summer and the fumes
still made me dizzy for a month.
#10 - Always offer a woman pilot the flight station without the
Fire Ant mound.
# 9 - Always inform the other pilots of your intentions, your
intention to takeoff, your intention to land, and your intention
to make a big crater in the middle of the runway (it's always
hard taxiing around those fuselage tails sticking out of the
ground).
# 8 - When walking up to the runway for a landing, it is impolite
to walk between two people using a buddy box.
# 7 - It's considered bad manners to yell at someone who's been
tying up the runway, even for a substantial length of time. After
all, that's what water balloon bombs are for.
# 6 - It is the ultimate in bad manners to run over someone
else's plane when backing out of the parking lot, unless that
plane is the only one with half a chance at beating you in the
next contest.
# 5 - In Europe, it's considered the height of poor taste to
groan, cry out, or make any noise at all when a fellow flier
crashes a plane. In this country, an air-horn blast is just
barely considered rude.
# 4 - If a fellow flier should be unfortunate enough to seriously
injure himself at the field, common courtesy demands that you
should lend any assistance necessary, such as helping him Super
Glue the forty-two inch long gash on his forehead together, so he
can get back to the serious business of flying.
# 3 - If your aircraft goes out of control, it is polite to warn
other pilots of the fact by calling out "HEADS UP!".
Diving under a table and yelling "YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN,
SUCKERS!" is not considered appropriate behavior.
# 2 - It is not only rude but against club rules to buzz the
pits, the road, or the parking lot. On the other hand, the guy
mowing the lawn is always fair game.
# 1 - Always be considerate and patient with a beginner pilot who
comes to the flying field with a trainer. Someday he'll be a
reckless egotistical bastard, just like you.
#10 - Took my red and white ugly stick up for a spin, then I
realized the other four guys were also flying red and white ugly
sticks...
# 9 - Sometimes the brain just doesn't get the messages to the
body in the right order, you know? "Let's see: first start
the engine, then flip the propeller...OUCH!"
# 8 - Had a friend of mine come out to the field to watch me fly.
Swear to God, he walks up to me very quietly while I'm flying
somebody's skittish hangar queen with a serious trim problem, and
he goes BOO! Geez, almost dropped a load in my pants!
# 7 - Somebody taxiing in the pits -God, now that's spooky! You
know, I like to use one of the two tables right by the runway. So
I just love it when somebody taxies right by my parked planes at
ten miles an hour, just to show off. Said #$%-hole can usually
fly a plane inverted six inches off the runway and thinks he can
do anything. Well, let me tell ya, your plane eats my leg or one
of my planes and you'll be doing a low inverted pass over the
runway without the benefit of a plane, sucker!
# 6 - Good looking women wearing damn little. It's amazing how
planes fall outta the sky when a babe wearing a G-string shows
up.
# 5 - Guy came up to me and said "Hey look, my transmitter's
antenna broke, so I made my own outta coat hanger wire - neat
huh?".
# 4 - Stepping on a fire ant mound, during a lighting storm, with
fog rolling in while flying a Combat Models F-15 with a bad trim
problem.
# 3 - A guy with a 1/4 scale DC-3 put together with Elmer's glue.
# 2 - Same guy rebuilds the crashed DC-3 using rubber cement.
# 1 - Crashed a plane into the middle of the lake the other day -
no wind at all so I decided to swim out and get it. On the way
back, tugging this big, heavy, sinking object I began to have
second thoughts about this venture; I was getting pretty damn
tired, I was all alone, and it was starting to thunder. Then I
remembered that Florida has more poisonous snakes than any other
state in the country - and most of them swim. I seem to have
gotten my second wind pretty quick after that. (Yeah, I know,
this one really belongs in the Top Ten Stupid Things list...)